Why is a breakup so painful? It may be dopamine working in secret

Dopamine is a chemical secreted in our brain that is inseparable from love. It is the starting point of our happiness when we are in love, and also the source of our pain when we are heartbroken.

Specifically, people fall in love because hormones and neurotransmitters such as dopamine make people happy. Dopamine is secreted in the striatum and nucleus accumbens in the brain and is continuously secreted during love. Intimate interactions with lovers, such as exchanging information and hugging each other, will trigger the secretion of dopamine in the body. The secretion of this chemical substance establishes a conditioned reflex connection with the intimate interaction of lovers.

After a breakup, this stimulus no longer normally feeds back pleasant information, and the body's dopamine level will continue to be at a low level. However, our brain has become accustomed to the euphoria brought by dopamine before. Once it is interrupted, it will bring unpleasant withdrawal symptoms, manifested as lack of energy, emotional instability, unhappiness, etc. Related research shows that, generally speaking, this withdrawal reaction caused by a breakup takes about 18 months to disappear.

Since the chemicals in our brain are not something we can control subjectively, how can we quickly get over a breakup?

On the one hand, don't suppress your sadness deliberately. You should know and understand that your brain needs time to adapt to the period of reduced dopamine secretion. It is normal to feel sad. There is no need to suppress this negative emotion or deceive yourself by saying "I am fine"; on the other hand, don't recall and dwell on it too much. If the breakup is an established fact, please try to accept it instead of unilaterally forcing the situation to change. You should know that every recollection and attempt to contact will become an obstacle in the process of dopamine withdrawal reaction subsiding. The more obstacles there are, the longer the "front line" will be, leading to a vicious cycle.

In fact, we can seek support from family and friends or divert our attention to ease the sadness of a broken heart. You can spend more time with family and friends and let them accompany you through this difficult period; you can also do things that make you happy to divert your attention and get the missing happiness from other places. In addition, you can use the window period to learn more about yourself and explore your inner self, and don't fall into deep self-doubt and self-denial because of a broken heart. Try to reflect on yourself, not only to find your weaknesses and shortcomings, but also to discover your strengths and resources. The purpose is to understand what you really want and what is suitable for you, and to achieve self-growth after objective analysis.

In short, there are many people who love you. Don’t dwell on the past. Look forward bravely and become a better self.

This article was scientifically reviewed by Peng Guoqiu, Director of the Outpatient Department of the Bayi Building of the First Affiliated (304) Hospital of the General Hospital of the Chinese People's Liberation Army, Director of the Psychosomatic Medicine Outpatient Department, and a senior psychological counselor and therapist.